I have been through every wave of emotion imaginable since then.
I have cried buckets of tears for how much this experience has made me miss my fiancé.
This is why, in the deepest pit of my soul, I believe she has brought someone new into my life in the best way possible: unexpectedly. I wasn't out looking for a date, or even looking at women as something desirable or needed, when she just happened to sit down next to me at a bar where I was hanging out with some mutual friends. The feeling of “different” in this new year is hard to ignore.
I was completely numb at the time, with no desire to interact with anyone, so I was just gritting my teeth and trying to act "normal" by making small talk. The blustery and yes, chilly, air here in this Hawaii January at our altitude somehow serves to remind me that changes will continue to happen, and the unexpected might still be lurking around the corner.
I have felt paralyzed by the fear of being vulnerable with another man in ANY way.
Of allowing any man into that space in my world again - the space where I cry, the space of allowing myself to be comforted. I had no idea this person would be interested and I've never much been interested in him either. no real warning, no time for planning how I want to feel about this step.
For how much all of this is bringing up old familiar memories and joys I shared with him those years ago.
For how much it makes me miss the safety and rock solid trust that I had with him.I know, looking back, that I threw caution to the wind.As I'm typing this, Mike's voice is echoing in my head that line from Conan the Barbarian he used to love to quote, " For some reason, I seemed to have developed the assumption that dating would be easier this time around. I think, maybe, I decided that after being through something so horrific, that by the time I got to the stage where I felt ready to open my heart again I would have accumulated some kind of positive ‘love karma’ and earned myself another nice, respectable man.I was not thinking clearly…but I was feeling deeply, and it was a dark, bleak and lonely place.So when the musician suggested another evening together that next week something jolted my psyche.“The stakes were higher, you had to be really sure that you liked that person and were willing to take the risk, therefore the reward was much sweeter and the risk, sometimes worth it,” she says.